Life has a way of leaving me disappointed. While overall I believe I live a truly blessed life, in so many areas of this life I am staring straight into the eyes of disappointment. I find that I am so often overwhelmed by the things that are not going as I had hoped they would.
Life has not turned out the way I had hoped, or perhaps even dreamed it would. Is this because my dreams and hopes were not God-ordained? Or did choices and circumstances (sometimes my own and sometimes the choices of those near me) cause my life trajectory to change? Although I am not sure of the root, it is not for lack of thought and introspection. (Perhaps too much thought and introspection!)
For the most part, I believe that if I was given a wish or a life goal, I would say that I want my life to count. I do not want to waste what opportunities and gifts have been given to me. I want to be someone who impacts lives but does so in accordance with God’s word.
Am I doing that? Have I been faithful? Have I been obedient? Have I lived and loved well?
Although it is complete fiction, there is a part of me that wants to have the experience that George Bailey gets in “It’s A Wonderful Life.” He sees what life would have been like had he not existed and because of it is able to appreciate the life that he has been given.
Even as I sit here reflecting, I know that our lives in general intertwine in the lives of others in ways that we cannot possibly begin to see and know… and yet, so much of this life feels defeating. Like failure.
I want to be clear, I am not looking for accolades. I’m not. I do wonder if that which I have invested so heavily over the years was the right thing to do. And I question if opportunities I passed over should never have been passed. I am wrestling with just about every aspect of my life right now, and I am left feeling weak. Ready to throw in the towel. In essence: defeat.
So I will try to shift my mind and heart from defeat to my Father. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)
God is the Only One who can defeat my defeat. I will continue to seek Him and trust that His words hold true. “In all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)
Blessings!
You have touched so many lives with your music,your prayers,the classes you have taught, and those you have been a part of and shared your life and your thoughts. You have two beautiful girls you have raised and have shared with others your fights and victories. You are a big part in three boys lives and you have been there to love ,comfort ,and share your love with them and their father. Michelle you have touched so many lives at school and so many kids have found love from you.
This is just what I have seen ..your family has seen you touch many others. Does your life matter? Yes God has blessed you and He is well pleased.
Della