I am without a doubt in the midst of a season of discouragement. My heart feels weighed down by grief over the loss of my small group family. I ache with longing for times of joy-filled worship without all the cords, click tracks, constant rotations, on the fly new music, and in-ear monitors which separate me from corporate worship.
While my heart grieves what does not appear to be possible anymore, it doesn’t help that we are also in a season here in Oregon where I can struggle with depression anyway. Gray skies, rain, and for that matter lately – days of snow that leave you somewhat homebound, are not really my friends.
My schedule feels full. I am tired. Even as I write this, I find that I am sure you might be thinking: “Tired! You just spent a week’s worth of no school days at home! How can you be tired?” But I am. Exhausted, actually.
I am not a fan of living this way. Of feeling like this. I want joy. I want to live well and love well.
As I read from the book of Psalms this morning, I did take comfort from the fact that I am not in this place alone. The feelings and emotions are not new or unique to me. Additionally, God is well aware of what is going on in my heart and mind. He sees me. He knows me. And God loves me.
“And so, LORD, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” (Psalm 39:7) “I waited patiently for the LORD to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD.” (Psalm 40:1-3)
I hope so. I hope more than anything that I can live this life as I was created to live it. I want my life to count for Jesus. Each hurt, each trial, each passion, in every relationship – I pray that God would be glorified in me and through me.
I need to be reminded of all that He has done for me. Of His faithfulness. Of His provision. Of His healing. Of His power. Of His kindness. Of His love.
“O LORD my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.” (Psalm 40:5)
And so, I ask that you remind me, LORD. Open my eyes to your hand at work.
Blessings!