I have had some pretty challenging jobs in my life. Some of them were challenging due to the physical and emotional abuse from students and their parents, and some were challenging because of the amount of constant mental drain on my brain.
While the work outside the home has been rough at times, I believe that the work inside the home has been my greatest – my most difficult challenge. Why? Because this is mine. It’s all tied to the covenant I made with my husband and my God. It’s permanent. There is something about blending broken people – hurting people – together that is just plain hard. Even a decade out.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. Ultimately, the day was up to me, and so I made the decision to spend the day with my own mother and family. My husband and girls went with me. Don’t get me wrong – I am glad I made that decision – as I love being with them all, and yet there was a piece of yesterday’s “holiday” that somehow left me feeling robbed. I have three step-sons and a daughter-in-law. Out of these children – who are all adults – one – only one – took the time to send me a text wishing me a happy Mother’s Day. One.
It’s defeating.
This is when my humanness kicks in and wants to take over. This is when I want to pull back from all my efforts to try and do or say nice things for them. Why should I invest when they don’t seem to think of investing in me? Humanness. Why should I claim you as my children when you don’t count me as a mother? Humanness. Why should I offer you a place in my heart when you don’t seem to offer me a place in yours? Humanness.
Humanness is not godliness. Humanness is not righteousness. It’s self-centered thinking. Living. Being. It’s not healthy. It’s not holy. It’s not how my Father wants me to live.
It’s not that my hurt doesn’t matter. It does! God sees. God knows. And God also sees and knows all the times where I have tried to give love or have put my blended family first – before my own heart. My messy family isn’t intended to meet my needs. God is. Their acceptance and affection for me, while desired, aren’t necessary to me. God’s is.
I cannot live apart from Him. And He wants me to ditch my humanness and hurt, and continue to show and give love. Deserved or not. Why? Because He did.
“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” – Philippians 2:3
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” – John 13:34
Love is a choice. I can choose to love when I am hurt, or I can choose not to. But only one choice will mirror God.
Blessings!