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Whenever I am asked to do a presentation to staff about shaping behavior in students, or asked for advice about how to be a difference-maker in the life of another, I always fall back to “build a relationship first.” Why? We are built to be relational.

This concept is true whether you are an introvert or an extravert. It is true despite the amount of change that needs to take place. If I do not have a relationship with you, I will never gain the right to speak into your life and have it actually be received or be effective. I may still speak – but it will just be noise.

Relationships matter. And as Christians, this should be especially true. Relationships matter because people matter. Every single person matters to God. Relationships with people then, directly impact my relationship with God.

How do I build or deepen my relationships with God and people? I invest. I listen. I make myself transparent or genuine before others. I begin to understand and feel the complexity and emotion involved in their experiences. My perspective typically changes the more deeply I know another, in part because my heart softens and grows in its care or even love, and my mind shifts.

Change is hard enough on its own. Why then do we try to complicate things, when we suggest or demand it and not back it with genuine care, compassion, and empathy? Our “wisdom” is no longer wise. Our “help” is no longer helpful. Our “suggestions” are not well received. They are just words. They sound proud. Detached. Cold.

This concept is not new. In fact, in one of the oldest books of the Bible, the book of Job, is a great example of this. Certainly, Job’s friends thought that they were being helpful. And for a while – his friends were. They showed up, after all, in the midst of his loss and grief. They sat in silence for a week with him. That’s nice. But then they forgot about their relationship. They were unable to see any other perspective than their own. They made assumptions. They believed they had the answers. They stopped using their filters – if they ever had one before! They spoke “their truth.” But how did it work out for them? How did their efforts and words impact their friend? Did it help him? No. And honestly, reading the whole experience makes me question whether or not these guys ever had a true and healthy relationship with Job in the first place!

Friend, listen to Job’s words: “Do you think your words are convincing when you disregard my cry of desperation?” (Job 6:26)

When someone is going through a challenging time, they don’t need my advice. They don’t need my suggestions. They need proof that love and care about them not by what I say, but by my ability to develop a listening and validating ear.

Currently, I have a student that fits this thought. She is in 5th grade. Last year she lost her mother and frankly, her whole world was shattered. She lost her home. She lost her blended family members. She lost her school. She lost her joy.

You can imagine and would be correct to assume that this girl has some significant struggles. She fights depression and anger. Grief is her constant companion. It makes sense. But with those feelings comes some undesirable behaviors. She can be defensive. Unorganized. Snarky. Detached. Rude.

I didn’t have a clue how to help her. I’ve never lost a parent. I haven’t lost my stability growing up. But I knew that this girl needed her behavior shaped and the only way to do it was to form a relationship. To earn the right to speak truth into her life – and give her love and hope again.

So after researching, I realized that in her grief what she really needs is validation. She needs someone to “sit in the stew with her.” To mourn because she has lost much. She needs people to stop trying to “fix” her hurt, and instead, acknowledge it and help her learn to live with it.

Her behaviors are changing. It’s a slow process. It always is. But it has to start with a relationship. Amazingly, when we take this approach, not only are we more effective at helping others, our own heart expands and is absolutely blessed in the process.

So let’s do this better. Let’s do this right. Invest in your relationships. Authentically invest.

Blessings!