This morning’s devotion is not starting easy for me. Why? I am guessing that there are several factors at play. I am not feeling very good, for one. My head hurts, my body aches, my sinuses and throat are bothering me. I didn’t sleep well. That can’t help either. I have a list of “to do’s” before me, and very little energy to do any of them. I’m discouraged.
For more than a week now, Barry and I have been trying to keep our regular schedules while adding on the complication of researching a house we found, and getting our home ready to put on the market. There isn’t really anything wrong with the house that we currently have. It’s a nice house. However, unlike most people, we have a child who at now 17 ½ will need to have a place where she can have what I think of as “supervised independence.”
Hannah has Down syndrome. For years our plan has been for her to have a tiny home or an apartment on our property. The problem is that our property is not big enough to build on.
Barry and I have also come to realize that there are other things that make this house less than what we hope for. We have found that we don’t have the room we wish we did for our kids or other family to come and stay with us.
I know that these are first world problems. I know that even as I write these things down I can see the “small-ness” of these things in the scheme of life’s up’s and downs. I know them. But this doesn’t make things easier.
Disappointment already sank in. We found a home. We love the location. We love the potential. It tic’s our boxes. We put in an offer. They went with another. I’m heartbroken.
I know it seems shallow, but I can’t help but tie it to all the other times when I have prayed for something and been so sure that it is right for us, or for a loved one, and the prayer is not answered in the way I wanted. This isn’t my first rejected prayer. This isn’t the first time that I have asked and not received what I was asking for. I’ve asked for some pretty big things: a child to be healed, an affair to end, my family not to be torn apart, salvation for a loved one, healing for loved ones. God’s answer was no.
I find it a bit ironic then, that others within my circle of influence – through the church or even my work community – ask me to pray for them. Are my prayers answered at a higher rate? Do I know the key to prayer? Is God somehow more likely to hear what I am saying? Or give me what I request? No. I assure you, no.
I write this from a spirit and desire for transparency. While I absolutely love God, there are times when I absolutely do not understand Him. I wish that I did. I don’t.
Maybe you are there too.
What I do know is that regardless of the way I feel, or the circumstances I face, I have to keep moving. I need to keep doing what I know God wants me to do, even while I wrestle with my circumstances and God’s plan in it.
Last night I prayed over and over for the sale to fall through. Does that shock you? I’ll be honest, it somewhat shocked me. I prayed that the sale would fall through and that the seller would come back to offer us the home. True confession. Still I am struggling to let go of the dream and trust that God has something else, something better prepared for us.
As I opened up the Word of God this morning, I landed in Romans 8. Romans 8 is filled with so many beautiful truths about God. I read that I have the Spirit of God living in me. I read that I am a daughter – an heir of God’s glory. I read that the Spirit helps me in my weakness. The Spirit was speaking to me. “But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you.” (v. 9a) I’m not acting like it.
Then God gave me two gems to hold onto today: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” (v. 28) and “What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since He did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won’t He also give us everything else?” (v.31-32)
God hasn’t forgotten about me. He hasn’t misunderstood my heart or my situation. His plan makes no sense to me, but my God can be trusted. He is still good. He is still faithful. He is still at work. Even when I can’t see it.
The same is true for you.
Blessings!