Those questions rattle over and over on repeat in my brain. Why do I keep asking the same questions of my God? Why does God allow my circumstances to remain unresolved if He sees and knows? Why does He stand back and passively wait to help me?
Even as I question, I believe my mind and heart are battling each other for truth. I say that, because while I believe that God DOES see and God DOES know, I don’t always feel those truths.
One little phrase from my time in God’s word stuck with me yesterday. It was simply this: “I know every bird on the mountain, and all the animals of the field are mine.” (Psalm 50)
I work in an elementary school, and currently the job I hold does not have a “classroom” per se. I have an area in the middle of a pod, where I run social skills groups a few times a day. With that said, a large portion of my day consists with my going in and out of classrooms supporting kids and teachers. Although this school is in Oregon, it is set up like a school would be in a much warmer climate. To go anywhere, you must travel outside in a breezeway. This system, while a bit of a bummer during the cold winters, does have a benefit. I am outside a lot. And for whatever reason, recently I have been seeing not only snow, but robins. Yesterday, however, I REALLY saw the robins. With each glimpse, my mind would be drawn back to the phrase of scripture: “I know every bird…” And I realized: God is prompting me – reminding me – I see you. I know you. Just like I have named and know this bird – this PARTICULAR bird – I know and see you, and each of your particular needs.
I love it when God does that. I am blessed when He does. And I still find the battle inside between what I feel and what I know to be true. Frankly, the battle exhausts me – especially emotionally. So as early as I could last night, I climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep. I am, by the way, not typically a crier – unless the Spirit is moving/stirring my emotions in times of worship. So as I lay there, with tears streaming down my face, I kept whispering in my soul: “Be still, and know that I am God,” and “I know every bird…”.
When my alarm went off this morning, and I came out with my cup of coffee, my journal, and the word of God, I realized yet again, that while my heart is hurting- my emotions raw – and the continued battle between feeling and knowing rages on – God continues to honor my faithfulness in meeting with Him.
I read: “Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles.” (Psalm 55:1) “But I will call on God, and the LORD will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the LORD hears my voice. He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, though many still oppose me. God, who has ruled forever, will hear me and humble them.” (Psalm 55: 16-19a) “Give your burdens to the LORD, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.” (Psalm 55:22) And lastly the tender reminder of God’s affection for me: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8)
He sees. He knows. He cares.
Blessings!