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I miss my Gram.

Maybe you can relate when you know more about her. About us.

Growing up I always felt like I was the child with the least connection to my parents. It’s not that I didn’t want a connection. Rather, in hindsight, I believe that my dad naturally connected with my brother through sports, and my mother connected with my sister by her being the baby. It wasn’t that I was unloved. I was loved. It wasn’t that I was not cared for. I was cared for. I think I was perhaps more capable of being independent and therefore I felt unseen.

Gram saw me. I always knew that she loved all three of us. She played with us. She read to us. She invested in us. But Gram saw me. I felt close to her. I knew that she “got” me.

When we moved to Oregon, a year later, my Gram moved to Oregon, too. I am so glad she did. She made a huge impact on me for the rest of her life – setting the example of what integrity, kindness, hospitality, generosity, contentment, and love looked like. But perhaps even more impactful was Gram’s faith lived out. She absolutely put God first. Always. And this godly woman was truly a prayer warrior. When she would tell someone she would pray – she would pray without ceasing.

It was and continues to be a great loss for me not to have her around here. I miss being known. I miss being able to pick her brain. I miss being able to hear her voice which was full of wisdom. I miss her twinkling eyes which were filled with love.

This morning I was reading one of my Gram’s favorite verses. She shared it with me when I had shared with her that my husband had been having an affair. Gram, in the way that was consistent with her character, reminded me that so much of life was out of my control – but never out of God’s. She too had suffered loss but found that this verse had been an anchor verse for her. It has become an anchor verse for me as well.

“O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I am far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night – but even in darkness, I cannot hide from you. To you, the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up you are still with me.” – Psalm 139:1-18

Gram was pointing me to One who knows me. Loves me. Sees me. My dear grandmother was taken to be with her LORD. But I am not alone. The One she lived for is the One I live for.

I find that in times where life seems to throw me a curveball – where things feel chaotic or uncertain – I become desperate for reminders – for comfort. I am so blessed to have the Word to lean on.

Sometimes I picture my Gram sitting next to Jesus watching me. Rooting for me. Encouraging me. Her heart breaking when mine breaks. Her heart rejoicing when I lean into the arms of the One who can carry me through. I know that image is my own. My guess is in reality, Gram is still dancing and singing and praising her beloved LORD. And someday, I will join her.

However, in this trial – in this time – I will claim the promise of God’s word for me: “You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head…” “Even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me…” “How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!”

Thank you, LORD God, for your goodness, your blessings, your kindness, your guidance, your strength, and frankly – your thoughts about me. I don’t deserve them, but I absolutely need them. Cherish them. Thank you for reminding me not only of who You are but for reminding me of who I am to You. I love You, LORD.

Blessings!