It feels like it has been forever since I have had anything to write about. I read my Bible and still have my Bible time, but I feel as though there is so much “weight” upon myself and for that matter upon everyone else. I feel like I have been “sitting in the stew.”
What does that even mean? Well, I feel overwhelmed by the amount of chaos and sheer need all around me. I am not overwhelmed to the point of “shutting down.” I am still functioning. I get my chores done. I am still able to perform my “distance learning” responsibilities. Perhaps it is just who I am married to, or perhaps it is because God has blessed me with a large circle of acquaintance – but for Peet’s sake – everywhere I turn I am learning of more and more need. More and more hurt. More and more struggle.
What can I do?
I am not wired to sit and ignore. Neither will I stand on a corner and scream my beliefs or opinions. Personally, I don’t believe either approach is effective.
So what can I do?
Friends, my prayer list is growing. It seems to be growing fairly fast, but honestly, who couldn’t use some prayer! I know I could. I know my family could. I covet it. I can only imagine that so many others need that too – whether they admit to believing in my God or not.
I don’t want to live a life where I say – “No more! I cannot hear anymore! I no longer have emotional space for you.” I don’t believe that is God’s call for me – or for any of His followers for that matter.
Jesus didn’t turn people away. He heard their stories. He saw their needs. He didn’t dismiss people. He didn’t mistreat people. He simply loved them. Valued them. Modeled for them a different way of living. People first. Himself after.
I want to live for Christ. I want to be the woman he created me to be. I want to see people – really see them. I want to hear them – not just listen to them. I want to speak after I give thought – and not before it. I want to assume the best about people – instead of assuming the worst about them. As much as humanly possible I want to live a life of integrity, kindness, and encouragement – because I know that people are starving for it.
Friends, I am not blind to the troubles of this world. I do think there are some significant systems that need to be addressed in order to bring about the change that is so desperately needed.
This morning, I was having a conversation with my 14 year old, Grace. As I listened to her try and make sense of what her class was discussing about the black community, I had a sort of epiphany moment for me. I grew up treating people as people. Not as greater. Not as lesser. As people. I was raised to believe that those who are good are only “good” because of God’s goodness and grace. I believe it, still. God is all that is good. Apart from Him, we are not good. Apart from Him, we are sinful and sin-filled. My epiphany wasn’t about that.
What struck me is that there are so many of us raised with such incredibly deep wounds. Some of the wounds we bring on ourselves, sure. We make stupid decisions, which result in painful consequences. But some wounds we do not bring on ourselves. Others bring on us. Some are generational, unfortunately. It doesn’t mean that a cycle cannot be broken… it simply means that a cycle MUST BE broken in order for real healing to come. Healing can come. It can. But like so many things that are highly valued – it comes only with hard work and effort. Cost.
What I have come to realize is that we are all a bit like one of my former students. I do not know his story in it’s entirety. But I do know large chunks of it. I do know what I experienced in the three years of working with him. Investing in him. He comes from a broken home. He comes from poverty. He comes from parents who were perhaps too young or too unprepared for all that parenting is. His mother was a teen runaway. She lost her parents in a car accident as a teen. Foster care was a worse sentence than homelessness, so she chose her independence on the streets. Mom eventually secured housing, but frankly still tries to regain the youth that was taken from her, and has struggled for years to buckle down and place her children’s needs above her own. My student would arrive unfed. Unmedicated. Dirty. His performance in school was awful. His struggled with speech and being understood.
I arrived on the scene when he went into third grade. My student was reading 5 words a minute. He was racking up referrals for physical aggression almost daily. He ran in a pack. They were his “family.” They were broken like him. Raised to react in anger over anything.
What he needed, he got in me. He had someone who understood anger. He got a teacher who takes her students on as if they are her own children. His basic needs became my focus, along with developing a relationship of trust. My desk was filled with pepperoni sticks for him. We had socks, a tooth brush, and even a new pair of Nike running shoes for him. See, he needed to be shown that people saw him, but he also needed to be shown that it’s ok for others to help you. It’s not a superiority thing. It’s a love thing.
We worked hard on his reading. We thought outside the box because it was apparent that he was incredibly smart and very dyslexic. But he needed to feel smart. He needed his tapes of failure to be offset by new tapes of success. He needed to know that everyone gets angry – and frankly SHOULD get angry over things – but it’s what we DO when we are angry that matters.
Three years of investing in this guy, and I could not have been more proud of his success. He was a different kid. In that environment. But then he moved to the next school. Within a month, the new tapes had already morphed back to the old. He was suspended. Then expelled. He did not return to traditional middle school.
I have tried to stay connected with him.
Last week, he posted something about police that made me sick. I reached out to him. I did what I have done for years with this guy. I wanted him to remember that I only want the best for him, and that I care for him. He shared a video with me where he was on the ground screaming and cussing out the police officer who was arresting him. He’s 14.
14. He has so much life ahead of him. But here’s the thing: He has so many struggles against him. Preconceived notions – some based from personal experience and some that he just grew up accepting as truth because they were the truths of someone else.
He has so much potential. He has so many strengths. But he has to be willing to let go. He needs to come to the table ready to have a different perspective than his own. He needs to come with his pride put aside and realize that he is loved just for who he is – not for who he’s trying to be. He needs to stop trying to impress those around him who are rotten influencers. But that pull – that baggage – it’s big and strong.
I’ve heard it said that people are doing the best that they can, and frankly I believe it. But how many of these problems, are not resolvable when we are willing to put our “self” aside and become “other” focused? How many negative experiences could be avoided if we were better at sowing love wherever we are? How much could a life be impacted and create a ripple effect if we were willing to treat each other as people – neigh just “people” – but children made in the very image of their Heavenly Father?
What can I do? How can one person make a difference?
Well, I know one man who changed the very culture of the world by loving, listening, giving, seeing, healing, helping, even sacrificing all that he had for us… Maybe we should be more focused on living that way.
Oh God, break my heart for what breaks your heart! May I never run out of strength for those who come seeking comfort and encouragement! May I see you in them. Each one! LORD, what an honor it is to do life with your other children. Help me to remember that we are not all living the same life, or with the same baggage – but help us to be willing to be transparent and humble enough to help one another learn to place our baggage at the foot of the cross where it belongs! I ask these things in the Mighty Name of Jesus! Amen.
Blessings!