I want to share an experience from what was both a stressful and beautiful weekend.
Just two days ago, our youngest son got married. His choice of a partner is one that we feel really good about, and so in that regard, this marriage was truly beautiful.
The stressful side lies not in who was getting married, but rather in the fact that we are like many other families – blended. Blended family events can be hard. Not just on the parents, but on the kids.
With that in mind, the following account may not be too surprising…
Thursday night, Barry’s cousins arrived and we were all invited to our oldest son, Spenser’s house for dinner. Everything was going pretty well. We had a good meal. We were having a nice time visiting with each other and catching up. But despite the majority of the interactions among us going well, I noticed a sharpness in Grace (my youngest). She wasn’t actually appearing to be rude to anyone else (except bossing around her sister – which is somewhat normal for her), but it seemed like she was being especially cutting toward me.
I am not sure if in part she was trying to “fit in” or impress Spenser’s soon-to-be step-daughter, Taylin (who is about Grace’s age) or if this was completely due to stress for Grace. Whatever the cause, the result wasn’t kind.
Taylin and Grace were discussing wedding hair and making plans for Taylin to come over the day of the wedding and fix Grace’s hair. They were adding a complication of needing fresh flowers and having to wait till the last minute so that the flowers would not wilt, etc. I happened to be standing there and made a suggestion about perhaps using some sparkling rhinestone bobby pins I had seen – but you would have thought I had just asked my child to do something horrific. Her response was so rude. So hurtful. So disrespectful and frankly – so public – it took all I had not to unleash my anger upon her. I was only trying to help. I was offering a gift that would ultimately cost me – not her – both time and money.
It took all I had not to publically put her in her place. It took all I had to control my anger. This is not an exaggeration. I used the tool that I know has come to be of great value to me – I went silent and walked away – with a focus on de-escalation.
Grace knew. She knew she had just treated me badly. She knew she had deeply wounded me. And she knew I had chosen not to retaliate.
My choice of behavior prevented me from wounding her, however, it did not heal my wound. The car ride home was noticeably silent. Grace did not join in with our family when the rest of us got home and sat around the firepit talking that evening. My mind replayed it all night. It was still painful the next morning.
Aren’t blended events hard enough? Did I really need to have this sort of treatment from my own biological child added to it?
God is so faithful, friend. He is so good. That morning, I decided I would do what I know I need to do every morning. I start my day with the Word of God. He is so good to use that time to strengthen me – and prepare me for all that I will encounter that day.
I wanted to share with you an intimate piece of what happened next. I don’t know a better way to do it than to finish this blog with my prayer to the LORD that morning which followed my time in the Scriptures. It is personal. It is raw. But it is transparency before a Father who just waits for his children to bring it all to him.
“LORD, you are aware of my deep wounding from Grace. You are aware of how much it hurts when she treats me poorly – and especially does so in public. It’s painful. LORD, here’s the thing – I love my children. Help me not to blow it with parenting. It’s hard. It’s hard when I work so hard and Hannah undoes what I’ve done minutes later. It’s hard when the boys treat me as second class – not related. It’s hard when I try to offer kindness or gifts and they are mocked/immediately rejected.”
(I paused writing here, as I felt God revealing something powerful to me.)
“Yet it’s a picture – in a very lesser way – of how you must feel with us, isn’t it? Thank you for revealing that to me just now. LORD, I’m sorry for the times I have rejected your way – your commands – and done things on my own. I’m sorry for times when I have made light of your blessings/gifts. I’m sorry for the times when I keep pestering you to provide more than you already have. You don’t deserve that behavior. You deserve so much better. Thank you, LORD, for tolerating – nay – even loving me! Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for speaking truth to me. LORD, again I ask that you would help me to keep focus locked on you. Take my heart. Clean it. Take my mind and soul – clean it and use it. Thank you, LORD God, that you have already gone before me through this day and will lead me through each day. Hold me close, LORD. Help me to feel your presence and nearness.”
Friend, the best thing we can do is take our hurts to the One who not only understands us – and our hurts – but is also the best friend we can ever have. He is SO good. He is SO kind. He is SO faithful. He IS the healer of our hurts. He IS the One who sees and knows. He IS the One who changes hearts and minds and brings peace in the middle of the storm.
Blessings.
Psalm 86:1-5 “Bend down, O LORD, and hear my prayer; answer me, for I need your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to you. Save me, for I serve you and trust you. You are my God. Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am calling on you constantly. Give me happiness, O LORD, for I give myself to you. O LORD, you are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.”