I connected with the words out of Psalm 77 this morning. Maybe it’s due to a bit more exhaustion than usual – but the past few days, I have been reading the scriptures aloud in my Bible time. It’s my best attempt at really staying focused and not only seeing God’s word but hearing it at the same time. At any rate, what I found was that the words seemed to say what my soul was feeling.
“I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for His help.” (Psalm 77:3) “You don’t let me sleep. I am too distressed even to pray! I think of the good old days, long since ended, when my nights were filled with joyful songs. I search my soul and ponder the differences now.” (v. 4-6) “And I said, ‘This is my fate; the Most High has turned His hand against me.’ But then I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.” (v. 10-12) “O God, your ways are holy. Is there any god as mighty as you? You are the God of great wonders! You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations. By your strong arm, you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.” (v. 13-15)
Last Thursday, as I was dealing with a student who was starting to escalate into a place of physical aggression, I had a moment where the student was being blocked by three adults. I was one of those three. At that moment, I decided a few things: 1) I didn’t want to go into yet another 45-minute cycle of being punched and kicked, 2) I felt compelled to pray over this student and our situation. Strange as this may sound – and frankly – I am unsure if my colleagues knew what I was doing, I put my hand on the student’s head and prayed. Hard.
Friend, I don’t have an explanation of why things proceeded the way that they did. The abuse still happened. We were still aggressed on for 45 minutes. I wish that hadn’t been the case, but it was.
Why did God not seem to do anything? Why did God not step in and stop the abuse? Why is this continuing to happen?
Honestly, I don’t know. Who am I? I am not God. I do not see what He sees. I do not understand what He understands. But even as I reflect back on this incident, I realize that while the behavior still happened, our behavior was better. Our ability to take it without our own spirits escalating was better.
I am not saying I believe God calls us to be abused. I don’t believe that at all. But I am wondering if God is protecting us in ways that we cannot see or understand. Could it have been worse? Was this act of violence again a piece of God’s plan for dictating a new path for this child? Or for the family of this child? In other words, was this experience for a purpose – instead of just a wasted or empty experience? I don’t know. God does.
It’s so hard when things seem to go against you – big things – hurtful things – to remember that God is still there. He still sees. He still goes before you and after you. He walks with you through it. He cleans you up after it. God is still present. He is still there.
While my heart is heavy and my body and soul are still reeling – I need to remind myself of the truth of who God is and who I am in Him.
“Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.” (Psalm 73:23-26)
I realize that most likely, you are not getting beat up by children. I recognize that our circumstances may not align. But please know that I believe the promises and word of God are just as true for you. Life happens. It can be so hard. Sometimes life blindsides us with pain that feels absolutely unbearable and we simply don’t understand why a loving God would allow it. Friend, even in the pain – trust God. Even in the questioning – seek God. Bring your hurt to Him. Bring your questions to Him. Go to the One who holds the answer to all things. Pour out your heart before Him. Don’t hold anything back. God is not a cold and distant God. He is a loving and relational God. Bring it all to Him and allow Him to remind you that He is your strength. He is your hope. He is your guide.
Blessings!